Wise living involves figuring out how the world works, and discovering just how to navigate within its operating system. Because this involves so many people, the number of variables to consider becomes immense (maybe infinite), and it is certainly highly dynamic. It takes a lifetime. That is also the magic, the wonder, the surprise of relationships.
When we get caught off-guard in how a relationship goes, it’s usually because we had assembled a set of expectations based on prior experience, words and commitments exchanged, as well as lots of unspoken contributions of hopes and dreams, fatigue and injuries, forgetfulness and distraction, and who knows what else.
A helpful practice in the midst of confusion, disappointment or hurt in a relationship is to pause to assess just what was my expectation, how that expectation was crafted, and how much of a distortion the present is from that expectation. It’s instructive to ask the question, “what additional terms fed into the dynamic of the relationship that I overlooked or that I was unaware of?” People change, and people get stuck. Both behaviors can either enable or impair personal growth, intimacy, communication, or execution of plans.
Here’s an enabling, open-ended question that seeks to invite discovery. “I made an assumption about how things were going, which proved inaccurate. Can you help fill in some of the blanks so I can better understand you? I really want to know.”
If you ask, do your best to create a safe space for the conversation, and listen carefully for insight.
